Do you love books? Oh, my God
Sorry Are you Dimitri?
That's not the code Sorry
I love books and books love me
Better I'm Dimitri
- I'm Jonathan Ames. I know
Thank you for suggesting that I bring Gogol's The Nose
In addition to being a private detective, I'm also doing some writing on the side
and I have always loved novels
Me too Turgenev, Dostoevsky, Gogol
these were my cellmates in prison
They kept me alive for three years
Prison? Why were you in prison?
It's not important Let's sit and talk
I need you to find a woman
That's my specialty I've found several
Good She is the great love of my life
She is all I thought about in prison
How long were you with her?
One night Just one night?
One night, if the love is perfect, is all you need
Also I was arrested the next day
We met in Brighton Beach Very romantic Have you ever been there?
No, my girlfriend Suzanne always wanted to go
to those nightclubs out there but we never did
And then she broke up with me
Of course Because you don't take her where she wants to go
So what did you offer her to stay?
Diamonds, gold, a car with sunroof?
No, I just begged And I
- Cried? A little
Good It's natural
But also, if you want to keep a woman, you have to be strong
Women need us to be commanding and decisive
But do they? I don't know Maybe they do
They do
So my woman
(Sighs) I don't know her real name,
only her stage name
Irenna, the Lonely White Dove
Hm She was singer at Cafe Tatiana
I want you to go there I'm happy to go to this club for you
But why don't you just go? Lt'll save you my fee
My parole officer won't let me out at night
That's why I find you on Craigslist
Also I got apartment, exercise bicycle,
and you, my own private detective
I'm your man then I'll go to Tatiana
Spasibo
Please find my woman
Do you think I lost Suzanne because I didn't take her places
or do you think I lost her because I was indecisive?
Probably both But I can't think about your failed relationship right now
I have to tell you, I'm in a bad way, Jonathan
Why? What's going on? The magazine's numbers are way down,
newsstand, subscriptions, advertising
It's very bleak and it's all my fault
It's not your fault All magazines are dying
Yes, yes, but a few will survive
It's Darwinian See, we need to adapt
I need to adapt
Our biggest problem is our female demographic
See, we've lost over 37 per cent of our women readers
- That is a lot of women. I know
So what's the plan, hire more women writers?
That's a good idea, actually That'll be the second step
The first step, though, is to change me
See, if I'm right, the magazine will be right
But how are you going to change?
You told me once that after the age of 55 it's impossible to change
That's why my therapist is suggesting something radical
He wants me to experiment with bisexuality
What? Mr Christopher, I need to clean in here
Yes, of course. Yes, of course. Um, sorry. Uh
He says it will help me appeal to women readers,
put me in touch with my feminine side
Your therapist sounds crazy - I know, I know.
But most therapists are That's what gives them insight
This is insane What can I say, Jonathan?
I am desperate to help the magazine I'm willing to try anything
But if you experiment with bisexuality
you'll just be more gay, not necessarily more feminine
That's fine I mean, who designs women's clothing? Gay men
Who do women find attractive? Gay men
Who writes women's TV shows?
Gay men
I really think it's my only choice
But have you ever experimented before?
No But I do have an open mind about the whole thing
You know, Laurence Olivier and Danny Kaye were lovers
Really? Mm hm, yeah
And oddly enough, they're two of my favourite actors of all time
They were like two sides of this strange coin
Hamlet and the court jester,
the dark prince and the Technicolor clown
It's amazing It's hard to imagine them as lovers
Sorry to put this in such old-fashioned terms,
but who do you think played the woman in the relationship?
Danny Kaye He could do a lot of accents
That way Olivier could have a different woman every night
(* Balkan Beat Box: Hermetico)
I'll have a white wine
I was wondering if you could help me
I'm looking for a singer, Irenna, the Lonely White Dove
I don't know if you gentlemen heard my question,
but I'm looking for Irenna, the Lonely White Dove
You're a tourist? No, no, not exactly I live in Brooklyn
Then come sit down, have a good Russian meal
Vodka, caviar,
blini, semga
(* Woman singing Dark Eyes in Russian)
Excuse me, who's that beautiful singer?
Oh, that is Basha You have no chance
She's not interested in penis She's a Sappho
Oh, I'm not I didn't mean
Do you know, is there a singer here named Irenna, the Lonely White Dove?
Her old boyfriend is looking for her
We don't have a Lonely Dove We have a Lonely Sparrow
She sings tomorrow Great Thank you
Oh, thank you
Na zdorovie! (All) Na zdorovie!
Is vodka really made from potatoes?
- Ha-ha! Hah!
Hah! Whoo!
(Yelling)
(Ululating)
(Groans)
I'm really hungover from that vodka
You gotta write something I do my best work hungover
I have less brain cells to confuse the issue
I did this yesterday morning right after I barfed all over the place
You're not that big
In my mind I am Huge but underused
Why are you drawing this? It's a story about
being a sperm donor to Lisa and Michelle,
and how Leah won't sleep with me
This editor at Esquire is really into it
Really great work
Uh I'm sorry, I feel so sick
Let's go get a drink right now
Oh, quit kidding around I gotta drink more tonight I'm going back to that club
I'm supposed to find out if the Lonely Sparrow is Irenna
Actually, I had a really fun time there last night
I can't believe I never took Suzanne to Brighton Beach
Why don't you take Suzanne tonight, you know?
You guys haven't had any break up sex, right? It's been a couple of months
You're due Maybe you're right
If you do call her, maybe Leah and I could go? Tonight we're working on our intimacy issues
But if the four of us go, that's not very intimate
Yeah, but if you go we won't fight,
and that's really good for intimacy
(Groans) (Groans)
Mi vida loca
(* Dawn Landes: Romeo)
(Phone)
(Sighs) Hello
Suzanne, it's Jonathan
I know What's going on?
First of all, I just want to say I'm really sorry about what happened
the last time I saw you with your Al Anon friend
Let's not talk about it Well, I want to make it up you
You know how we never went to Brighton Beach
because I thought it was too long of a subway ride?
Well, you and I are going out there tonight
That's right I found this great place
We'll eat dinner, drinks, dancing
You know I don't want to see you drinking I was talking about water
We'll drink water after we dance to rehydrate
What is this about? Nothing
I'm just feeling really decisive, you know?
I want you to have the Brighton Beach night I never gave you
I don't think we should be going on a date, Jonathan
It's not a date It's platonic
Dancing is platonic? Yes, dancing is platonic
We'll stay three feet away from each other the whole night, I promise
And there's gonna be lots of people there, Ray and Leah
Blah, blah
Lots of people
Well, I guess I did always want to go
We don't even have to sit next to each other
I'll sit across the room the whole night sending you platonic love notes
What's a platonic love note?
(* Balkan Beat Box: Balcasio)
I just thought it was going to be you and me
Well, Jonathan knew where this place was
and it just seemed easier if we all came together
Plus, he split the car service with me, so
If it meant being alone, I could have paid for the car
Well, tonight is on me and Jonathan
Oh, good
A little bit of potato sauce
Thank you
(Makes buzzing noises)
What are you doing?
I'm zapping it like Iceman from the X Men series
Remember when I drew them for Marvel?
Can we please not talk about comics for one night?
OK To the prettiest girl in Brighton Beach
That's better
A kiss
Hi, Leah Hey, Ray
- Hey, want some vodka? OK
I thought there would be more people here I thought there would be less
Well, we don't know these people yet, but you'll see,
pretty soon it'll be like a big Russian wedding
By the end we're all gonna know each other pretty well
Unlimited vodka here, this is where the value is
To the drug Czar
- Cheers. Cheers
Mm
I thought you said you weren't drinking tonight
Oh, well, it was just a celebratory toast
You know, when in Moscow
I'll switch to water now So, to water
To water
(Ray) Oh, that's good
Let's all dance That's a good idea
No, my toes are all fused My toes are fused
Come on, don't be a baby
It's been a while since we danced together
Sir
I know I said we would only dance three feet apart but
is two feet OK?
Yeah, I guess two feet is OK
Isn't this fun? Yeah, it really is
You can come closer if you want
Really?
(Man) Everyone please sit down
Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome to the stage
Nadya, the Lonely Sparrow
(* Sings Autumn Leaves)
I think that's the woman I'm looking for. She is beautiful
What are you guys talking about? Sorry, do you know her?
No, no, not at all Not yet
It's it's complicated (Phone buzzing)
Oh shit It's George
I'm sorry, I have to take this
But you're having fun here, right?
We're in Brighton Beach
I'm sorry
Hello, George
Wait, hold on It's loud here
Sorry, George What's up?
What if I do this and I don't come back?
What do you mean? That I turn completely gay
Well, then it was meant to be
You know what? You're absolutely right
I have to remember that it helped Jann Wenner's career
All his magazines thrived after he became homosexual,
really boosted sales
Thank you
OK, um, so
Do you know how I could find a male escort?
No, I don't know Sorry, what? The reception's bad here, what?
I don't know how to find a male escort
Well, you should know these things - No, I shouldn't.
Look, just Google "male escort New York City"
Wait, I can't hear you The reception is terrible Is it me or you?
Just Google "male escort New York City"
Actually, Google "gay male escort New York City"
George, I've gotta go I'm at a Russian nightclub
A Russian nightclub? Oh, hey, I want to go
Sorry about that My friend just Never mind
You guys work here, right? Can you tell me, did Nadya the Lonely Sparrow
used to be Irenna the Lonely White Dove?
Why you want to know so much?
Last night you told waitress
a boyfriend is looking for the Lonely Dove
Who's the boyfriend? Who do you work for?
Nobody Look, let's just forget it OK? I've forgotten it
So I'm just going to go back inside
You are a fool Hey, hey, hey Ow Don't touch me
Wait, wait, wait My friends are inside, OK?
I've already paid for two meals $38
Don't ever come in here again
- What about my friends? Fuck friends
Hey, come on, get your hands off me
If we see you here again we will break you
Shit Shit
Aaah! Uh, you work for Dimitri?
He's my friend
She wants you to call her
The girl, the singer, Irenna
Call her tomorrow, huh? Who are you?
I cannot talk to you It's not safe for me Wait, can you help me get back in there?
My girlfriend's in there
Ray?
I say in the ad that I'm an unlicensed private detective,
which makes it more legal, sort of
Anyway, the guy I'm that working for is an ex con,
but he's a real romantic and I'm trying to help him
Are you guys listening to me? I'm listening
Thank you, Ray You've got to see this from my perspective
I thought that tonight was gonna be
the Brighton Beach night that we never had
Remember that's what you told me? And I stupidly believed you
Instead you drink vodka and you leave me alone
while you chase after some Russian singer because you're investigating a case
But I was doing it in the name of love Somebody else's love, but
You weren't doing this for anybody else but you
You're selfish You live in a selfish fantasy world
- Suzanne, please... Please do me a favour and don't talk to me
The next subway, please, sir
At least it wasn't me this time, right, baby?
Ow Hey
Hey, look, for what it's worth, I'm on your side
(Seagulls cawing)
Irenna?
Yes And you're the private cop?
Yes, or detective or investigator They all work
Thank you for coming I don't like the phone
It's OK It's beautiful here
So, let me make sure I got things straight
You used to sing as the Lonely White Dove
- Is that right? Yes
Why did you switch to the Lonely Sparrow?
I like birds
Every year I'm a new bird and always a lonely bird
Maybe you won't have to be lonely any more
Dimitri hired me to find you
Why?
Because he's in love with you
- He is still in prison? No
He's out and he wants to see you Do you want to see him?
Yes, I want to see him very much
Thank you very much, my little detective
My my therapist suggested I try this
Medical advice, really
You're coming out of the closet? Well, no, not exactly
No, see, I'm trying to get in touch
with the feminine side of my nature
You see, I'm I run a magazine
And we've lost nearly half of our women readers
and I've got to reach them somehow
And you think that this will help you?
Maybe You know, I'm just You know, I want to open my mind
If you want to open your mind,
don't think in terms of male and female
I mean, it's binary It's boring
How about no definitions?
- Have you read Klaus Kinski's memoir? I haven't
You're talking about Werner Herzog's muse?
Yeah Kinski could fuck or get fucked It didn't matter
He did what he wanted to. He defined himself
He was all sexes, beyond definition
You want your magazine to do better?
Try to be like Klaus Kinski
Have you read a Woody Allen story, The Whores Of Mensa?
I haven't. But I love Woody's prose even more than his movies
(Laughs)
So
you want to give this a try?
I mean, I think that you're a good looking guy,
kind of like a buff Samuel Beckett
(Jonathan) So I'm escorting Dimitri to Tatiana's tonight
And he says he needs me to be his backup, especially since he's breaking parole
- He said backup? Yeah
That sounds dangerous He explained it's a Russian wingman position
- I'm an excellent wingman. I don't know
You should never have gotten involved with this guy
Leah's still mad that I took her to that club last night
and ruined our first date in three months
I know I am sorry, Ray She shouldn't be mad at you
It's my fault Yeah, it is your fault
And now to make up for last night's disaster I'm doing timed massages
It's an intimacy exercise She's out buying an egg timer right now
An egg timer? Are you really going to be
this guy's backup Russian wingman? Yes, I gave him my word
He thinks I'm a brave detective
And he's already paid me $200
OK, well, in that case I have something for you
These are my uncle's They mean a lot to me
He died of cirrhosis of the liver. These were also his Here
Drink up Don't lose those
Ray, I'm excited
I got a really good egg timer
(Dings)
I love the boardwalk. It reminds me of the Black Sea
Only I wish the girls were topless like in Russia
In America people are shy and disturbed
I don't know, why be scared of the naked breast?
I've never been to a topless beach Oh, I hope you go
Listen, I was thinking about you yesterday
You should take this girl that you loved and bring her here to Brighton Beach
Maybe you'll get back together and get married
Wow, you must be psychic or something,
because last night I tried that
And, well, I screwed the whole thing up
Oh, I'm sorry That's all right
It's like my heart's broken again, but it's not as bad since I'm used to it
Irenna You found her!
Irenna (Speaks Russian)
Irenna
My brother is in prison because of you, bastard!
Hey, hey, hey Go home, private dick
This doesn't involve you
Hey
Ow! Ow!
(Car alarm blaring)
Come on, come on
- This way, Jonathan. Aah!
We hide here
Oh, shit Oh, shit What are you doing?
Extra hiding We're gonna die
We're not gonna die You're fine You did good
You saved me I am grateful to you
I did OK? Yeah, you are real man
You showed me tonight, very brave
You hit the boss right in the nose. It was beautiful
- I wasn't actually aiming for him. What?
Nothing Uh, nothing I was just I
I'm just glad we took those jerks out
So wait, what happened with you and Irenna's brother?
Why did she turn against you?
We were doing a deal and when the cops got me, they got him
- And he's still in prison? Yeah
I didn't think she would hold it against me after our night of great tenderness
But now my love for her is buried
But I will go on like you did, with a broken heart
- (Footsteps, men speaking Russian) Shh
What do we do now?
They go this way, we go this way
OK
(Grunts)
Goodbye, my new friend
I don't know if I'll ever see you again,
but I hope your heart is broken many times,
because it means you will have loved many times
Hi, George Listen, I know it's late
I'm sorry to bother you, but I have had the most incredible, insane night
Would you want to meet for a drink?
(George) Now's actually not a great time for me I have company
Do you remember what you told me to Google?
Holy shit H How's it going?
Well, I'm no Danny Kaye, if you know what I mean
I love Danny Kaye, especially The Inspector General
- Really? Yeah
I have The Inspector General We could watch it if you'd like
- I have all of Danny Kaye's films. I would love that
Hey, Jonathan, we're gonna watch The Inspector General
You could come over if you like He's a really nice guy
(The Inspector General playing)
(Laughing)
I hope Jonathan does not lose those brass knuckles
Could you please not talk about Jonathan?
This is an intimacy exercise about us
I'm sure he's fine (Timer dings)